Breaking A News Section On Whiskyfun


April 1, 2017

Breaking! A News Section On Whiskyfun!

Yep we’ve decided to add a news section to Whiskyfun. Not that anyone would care, but everybody else is ~~copying~~ publishing news these days, and news make for easy and quick Google-friendly content. They do it, why couldn’t we do it too! Oh and we took this opportunity to start to get rid of that annoying yellow background. So without further ado, here’s today’s whisky news,


The Whisky News by Whiskyfun
- This Week's Edition -

			Brought to you by The GlenWonka



		The secrets behind Donald Trump's hair: Former stylist reveals to The Daily Mail the President covers it with Dalmore Single Malt Scotch Whisky. She also revealed Trump uses so much whisky his mane is 'solid and matted', and added “not only is the colour orange, he does also smell of oranges, which is a calamity!”

		Woman in Inverness trades her late husband's whisky collection for brand new bottles of her preferred Scotch. “This Italian gentleman has been very kind to me, I’m so happy I could get rid of all those dusty old bottles of Laffroaig, Bomoore or Mac Allen at once! What’s more, I’m now the proud owner of sixty-four cases of Bell’s, my favourite brand by far”, said Margaret McMinimall, 74, a former cashier at Tesco.

		Huge amounts of vanillin found in wild salmons in Scotland. “We ship them straight to sushi factories in Shoreditch and Hoxton, where hipsters just love them”, says Jock McBannister, CEO of Amalgamated Fisheries plc in Lochilpead.

		New study finds that in most new Scotch Malt Whiskies, the sherry inside is actually older than the spirit. “I guess we’ll have to source younger sherry from now on” said Erwan MacScallop, Senior Advisor, Whisky Creation at the Scotch Whisky Association.

		U.K. government to tax all social content related to spirits from June 1, 2017. £100 a tweet, £250 a Facebook post, £5 a retweet, £2 a like, £15 a share, £0.005 an Instagram post. Private posts to be invoiced to brand owners “because we see them coming”, added Victoria Lordham, Head of the Alcohol Advertising Control Office at the Department of Health in London.

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		Diageo CEO Mildred Ferguson just announced that she will resign before the end of July this year. “I keep asking our specialists why we can’t do with our Single Malt Scotch Whiskies what we’re doing with Zacapa or Cîroc and everyone’s just shrugging their shoulders, it’s a nightmare. Under those conditions, I’ve decided to throw in the towel and to go back to banking and politics”, commented Mrs. Ferguson, 49.

		After the large success of whisky writers Ian Buxton and Dominic Roskrow’s books, 101 Whiskies To Try Before You Die and 1001 Whiskies You Must Taste Before You Die, moderately known yet very inspired Dutch whisky writer Englebert van Apfelstruudel is planning to write his own guide book, 1,000,001 Whiskies that Will Kill You Without A Doubt. “There is just one small matter to deal with at this stage, finding a publisher”, warned Mr. Apfelstruudel.

		1,261,732,143 bottles of Scotch whisky have been sold worldwide in 2016. Through a combination of circumstances, that’s also the number of times the word “Rare” was written on a label.

		New study finds that in adverts for any whisky festivals in the whole world, there are seventy-four times more girls than there will actually be on location. “That’s because there’s never any budget for photographs and so we always use the same old pictures from when Ardbeg had hired those twenty-four Lithuanian esco…, I mean, event assistants, back in 1998”, said Archie Hamilton, a disillusioned account executive at a 21st Century London based independent advertising agency.

		Scottish Distillery accidentally bottles a new whisky with an age statement. “We mistakenly used a backup file from five years ago when doing the label”, said Jock O’Gilvy, Creative Director at Stranger & Strangest in Glasgow.

		New revelations suggest that Bourbon was first called Bourbon because of the famous Bourbon Vanilla. “I had always thought it was the opposite”, said veteran Bourbon blogger Jimmy Lactone.

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		Brand Ambassador for a famous Scottish Distillery caught drinking his own whisky in a Pub in Manchester, instead of gin and tonic. “Aye, a moment of distraction, I shan’t do it again” said Sam Gibbons.

		While no such event had been reported in the whole world since 2007, a bottle of Karuizawa was just uncorked in Hong Kong! Speaking on the phone from her hospital room, Mrs. Chao-Xing Chan said, “It was around 9:45pm and I was cooking Hainanese chicken. I suddenly noticed that the bottle of Kikkoman sauce was empty, so I opened a new one that Fedex had just delivered in the morning. Then my dear husband came back home, and I can't really remember the rest…”

		There is no new Laphroaig NAS planned this week.

		W.M. Cadenhead in Campbeltown are aiming to bottle a very bad cask of Scotch malt whisky ”to see what it feels like”. Should you own such a cask, please contact Mr. Mark Watt, W.M. Cadenhead, 30-32 Union St, Campbeltown PA28 6HY, United Kingdom, or call +44 1586 551710.

		Man from Dundee, 55, sells his The Macallan Lalique Crystal Decanter for eighty times its original price at mywhiskyauctiondelamuerte.com and accidentally wins it back because “the fookin’ cat stepped on the fookin’ keyboard”, causing the bankruptcy of his whole family over three generations just because of the fees.

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		The Fitness Room Owners Association is suing the SWA for unfair competition after a burst of claims on Facebook such as A Glass of Whisky Is The Equivalent To An Hour At The Gym. “Not our fault, our community manager in Hanoi made that mistake, indeed that’s rather red wine but those useless people in Vietnam don’t know much about drinks”, said spokesperson Fergus MacHarroon.

		Last Friday, a dyslexic copywriter in Edinburgh mistakenly wrote 'barely Scottish' instead of 'Scottish barley' on the label for some new high-volume blended malt whisky. “Sadly no one noticed, we were all in the pub already when that happened, I guess we’ll now have to re-label all seventy thousand cases”, said Dick McMildew, Marketing Content Director.

		New Burmese Whisky Distillery to advertise the age of the oak trees instead of the age of the spirit. “People still need numbers”, said Chakrii Chaowchanchai, the Manager of the Pink Elephant Distillery in Rangoon.

		Lady in Aberdeen who celebrated her 110th birthday last year while telling the Daily Mail that A Shot Of Scotch A Day Was The Secret Of Her Good Health found to be only 35. “I’ve always looked much older than I really was because of all the whisky I drink, so when that guy from the business came to see me with a cheque, I answered yep, let’s do it”, said Jennifer Hundertpfund, who’s the great-granddaughter of a German submariner.

		Scottish Whisky Distillery doesn’t win any award at this year’s International Wine and Spirit Competition

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		Bowmore Distillery on Islay are missing the keys to their famous Vault No.1. In an official statement, Distillery Manager David Turner writes, “Rachel, please call us asap”.

		Lars Vallhällä, Director Of Whisky Name Creation, celebrates his five years with Highland Park. Lars was formerly in charge of finding names for IKEA’s bathroom items, after having been the head of the Lost Screws Department. “It’s been very exciting, I love my work at Highland Park, I’m just struggling a bit with their old IBM keyboards that are missing the umlauts”, said Lars.

		Man caught trying to buy a cask of malt whisky at Lagavulin Distillery while he isn’t from China. “I was wearing a large Christian Dior scarf with golden dragons embroidery, had pulled my Lamborghini baseball cap over my eyes, and borrowed an Audemars Piguet wristwatch in solid red gold with diamonds, but someone in the warehouse noticed the bottle of Orval that was sticking out of my pocket and they got me out of the place”, said Wout Van de Putte, a relatively wealthy whisky enthusiast from Antwerp, Belgium.

		Forty-five thousand men working in the Scotch Whisky Industry while also being part-time guitarists gather to put up a new Pop Rock Festival in the Midlands. After having run a long, Mai-Tai-fuelled brainstorming session, they unanimously decided to call the new event “Woodstock”.

		English whisky writer spotted in Scotland. “I had lost control of my new Tesla near Carlisle and couldn’t do anything until it ran out of power on the M6 near Wishaw”, said Mr. Jim M. once back south of the border. “We’ve heard a few gunshots here and there but no one was harmed”, commented Assistant Chief Constable Kenneth Fitzpatrick in Glasgow.

		Sponsored Did you spend too much on Scotch? Buy a brand new Dacia Sandero for as little as £5,995! Trunk easily fits twelve cases of regular whisky or two Macallan or Dalmore Limited Edition presentation boxes. Book your driving test online!

		In an interview to the Scotsman, Glenmorangie’s Head of Whisky Prospective and Creation, Dr. Jim Jobs, just announced that the company would start focussing on the biggest innovation in Scotch Whisky yet, “Making it just as when we were making it best”. A major breakthrough that leaves all other distillers flabbergasted. “Dr. Jobs has always been at the forefront of innovation, he is a leading light and an all round good chap. Now why do I always have to pay for the martinis?” commented Dr. Arnold W. Morgan, Diageo’s Director of Future Whisky Heritage.

Man working in the whisky industry surprises everyone and does exactly what he said he would do.

The GlenWonka’s new Global World Brand Ambassador, Jennifer MacHutton, is actually a robot to which several ChatBoxes and Social Pages are connected. “Aye, we had to do it, not only because we don’t have to spend fortunes on sexy clothes and gin and tonics anymore, but also because our latest human Brand Ambassador, Billie McPherson, left us for another whisky company while taking our/her 732,584 Facebook fans, 896,245 Twitter followers and 7 Google Plus connections with her”, said Lyudmila Simpson, The GlenWonka’s Director of Rapid Blind Digitalisation.

Very proactive babypreneur from Lochaber launches IWD. Young Alastair MacWinner, 7, told us “I first had the idea of launching Intercontinental Whisky Day while I was at kindergarten, back in 2014, so it’s mine, obviously. What’s more, my parents only got the Internet last week, which explains why I just couldn’t have known that the idea already existed under at least three different forms. Now if you would excuse me, I’ll call you back once I’m rich and famous, which will happen in the very near future I am led to understand, since I’ve already got Nicola Sturgeon’s Sub-Sub-Sub-Secretary Of Scottish Rural Entrepreneurship on the phone for ten seconds last night.”

Shocking: new American whisky producers Six Shot Distillery in Cooper Town, Tennessee, found to actually distil their whiskies, including rye, malt, wheat, corn, and bourbon.

Mr. Cheng Keow Tran, an absent-minded whisky specialist at Changi Airport, Singapore, accidentally sells a bottle of the new The Dalmore 50 year old. “We’re devastated, that’s the first time this happens, we’re planning to use holograms instead of actual bottles from now on”, commented Minnie McBurns, Chief Halo Marketing Officer at Whyte and Mackay Ltd.

A twenty-five year old Man who does not plan to build a whisky distillery was found in a pub in the city of Wick, in northern Scotland. “We had to commit him”, said Police Officer Stuart McNevis.

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Compass Box to launch a new series of Quasi-Blends at Fortnum & Mason in London later this year. Designed after Piero Fornasetti’s most famous works, the labels won’t mention the compositions of each whisky, to comply with the regulations, but rumour has it that there’s either 100% Clynelish or 100% Laphroaig inside, hence the name ‘Quasi-Blend’. We're awaiting comments from the Scotch Whisky Association but we’ve heard the whole board was starting to suffer from depression.

Amounts of Pedro Ximenez sold in bulk to Glendronach Distillery now higher than bottle sales, said to Madrid newspaper El País the Consejo Regulador de la Denominación de Origen Jerez-Xérès-Sherry in Jerez de la Frontera and the Consejo Regulador de la Denominación de Origen Montilla-Moriles in Montilla. “Aye, fine, we’ll stick with it so to speak”, commented Hunter McFaddis, who’s a cooper.

Ardbeg Distillery to sell an empty bottle of their popular Islay Malt Whisky as a very Limited Edition named ‘Airie’. “Aye, the cask had been leaking for years and I knew it was empty, but the guys at our Marketing Department thought this would be a very innovative opportunity”, said melancholic Manager Michael ‘Mickey’ Heads, who’s now considering either an early retirement or swimming back to Jura.

That's all, folks! More new news whenever there's more noteworthy news...